God's Waiting Room
Ah, the soon to be dead can be such fun.
Ya know, when I'm about ready to die, I think I'll spend my days eating ice cream, sipping a smoky scotch during my full body ben-gay rub down and focusing all my energies on my next bowel movement.
The little children will come to me and say: "Miss Patsycat, what was it like in your day?"
And I'll respond: "Awell, youngins t'waint 'tas smarts as des ah used ta be..." (yes, I think I'll be a lot like Cycile Tyson after the Miles Davis years when the role of "Miss Jane Putman" looked pretty darned good since he was on the smack and all.)
And I'll babble on and on about the DOS computer, Pong, SUV's that ran on GASOLINE, not like that fancy 'lectricity they got now...and a bottle of wine could be bought for under $20.
Yes, yes, I'll nurture the young.
Not like these fuckers in Boca. Man they are filled with piss and vinegar and you can't tell them they can't eat that damned food before they pay for it, who the hell do I think I am?
So I decided to write God a little letter:
I really appreciate all that you've been doing, and thanks for the shiny ring for Christmas and all. I know you're really great, I've read a bunch of books about you, and we've talked an awful lot in private. I want to thank you for your continued support throughout my life and all the days.
But imagine my disappointment when I met one of your creations today. He was bitter, full of rage and spitting nasty remarks to me. Know I know you pride yourself on being the best "God" of the Universe and all, so Imagine how surprised I was at this encounter.
Also God, I've noticed the quality of your "representatives" is really sinking. Now, I'm not one to make threats, but I must say, If you don't clean up your "worldly world" then I may have to take my business elsewhere.
I realize that you've had a change in managers over the last 2000 years and you've yet to find a replacement since the last one was literally Nailed To A Cross! So you know how mean these people can be! And I can appreciate the labor pool out there trying to find someone for everybody to listen to. Not an easy task!
Here's a suggestion until you get your next manager into place. All these people that are sitting in your waiting room...hoping for pearly gates...please speed them up. Maybe a number system will get them in faster. It would really help the traffic here in Boca and in other places too.
So as you work out your infrastructure, let me know if you need any help and I'll check in with you and let you know how it's going.
Everyone is on Atkins
Today I discovered my cats are on Atkins. No carbs, they cried out to me as I fed them pizza and hot dogs. They only want fresh meat or carb free kibble.
As I was shopping today, I read a label to see how many carbs are in the sesame seed pita bread that my favorite Mediterranean deli makes. I don't care about carbs, but there I was reading the label. What the hell? I think it was sparked by a meeting I had yesterday with my assistant, my buyer and catering coordinator. I was late to the meeting due to a telephone conference call. As I approached, I opened my bags and pulled out a handful of these big, white striped fluffy butter mints.
In the South, they take butter mints and cheese straws very seriously. And with good reason too. You can't have a party without either one in this state without permission from the local government.
So mints in hand, I interrupt (very professionally mind you) and throw the mints in the air and ask, "What the fuck you guys talking about?" Staff looks at me as if I'm crazy. Nothing new for me, and then they scramble for the mints.
It was fun. I felt like I was working a float on the thanksgiving day parade.
Caterer says, "I probably shouldn't eat this, I don't need the carbs." freak. I said..."It weighs less than a teaspoon. Atkins died of a heart attack. Have the damned mint!"
Then Buyer was drooling over his mint. I snatched it out of his hand and said, "Wait a second...aren't you doing that cleansing fast this week?" He goes, "yeah, but..." I go, "Sorry man, I don't want to be blamed for you being unclean."
Assistant fished the rest off the floor and saved a couple for his drive home.
So suddenly I'm counting carbs?
This country has gone nutty with diets. So I promise you today that there are no carbs in my posting.
I'm going to get rid of my cable. No more TV. This is a big one for me, maybe even bigger than the coffee, smoking and alcohol. maybe.
Unlike the average American, I can watch 4 hours of TV in 2 hours, 5 minutes. It's a gift. If using a remote and VCR had amateur and professional standings, I'd be a professional, hands down. I can rewind, fast forward, pause, program, and reset my clock in a split second. I know how networks place their commercials to capture viewers attention and how long they run for. I fantasize about TiVo (even spell it like they do on the box.)
The reality is that TV is sucking my soul. I'm just like Bart Simpson when he sold his soul to Millhouse for 5 bucks after changing the church hymn from "Inagatadivita" by Iron Butterfly to "In the Garden of Eden" by I. Ron Buterfly.
TV has the power to suck me in and watch programs that I'm not even interested in. Did you know there is a program on the travel channel about strangers dating by going on a trip together. It's a contest and the person (male or female) gets to pick their blind, get-away date by the contents of a piece of luggage they pack. To pack the luggage the guys/gals go through the suitors homes for 10 minutes talking to a coach outside to decide what to buy with the $1000. they give them after ransacking the house. I was thinking about taping this show! I've really been sucked in. Soul gone!
So I need a plan. I was thinking if I get rid of the Cable ($45/month) and bought a DVD player (introduce myself to the technology of the 1990's) and only use the TV for movies that it would be better. Join NetFlix online for $20 a month and I'd actually be saving money.
Maybe I should wait until the end of May Sweeps.
I am a real person inspired by a dead cat.